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Refusal Strategies

In order to reduce the threat to the interlocutor’s face, people often use different strategies in refusing. In the following sections an attempt is made to shed light on the strategies usually used in the speech act of refusal in English:

Direct Refusals

Generally, English native speakers infrequently use direct refusals, Performative refusals (e. g. I refuse...) are hardly ever used. "No" and statements of negative willingness (e. g. I can t…) occur only rarely. This is because people by and large get furious and hurt about being bluntly and rudely rejected. Direct refusals in many cases break the relationship even between close friends when they just say, “No, I don’t want to waste my time over this idle activity!” or “No way! I would rather stay home and play my computer games . Thus it is better not to use direct refusals and to choose instead other, less hurting and more implicit, ways of refusing others.

Indirect Refusal Strategies

Beebe (1990) suggested some strategies people can use to avoid direct refusal that might cause an unnecessary consequences. These strategies are:

1 .Giving a reason

Giving reasons is more common than any other indirect strategy of refusal. When we are asked to do something or to go to someplace and we are unwilling to accept this proposal, we might think of some reasons to justify our refusal. For instance, we might be invited to a party in the evening, we’d love to go with them, but we’ve promised our parents to go out for supper. In this case, we have to turn down the invitation saying for example:

(2) It’s really nice of you, but I’ve promised my parents to accompany them tonight. So, it’s a pity not to be able to join you.

The advantage of saying something like that is that you would not let others feel embarrassed or humiliated. Although they might be disappointed that we did not join them, yet; they would feel we are a polite and wise person and they would invite us again if there is any other chance.

2. Preparing some ways to make reparation:

As everyone feels, refusing others is such a guilty thing because we feel sorry that we might fall short of others’ expectations. How can we say “no” to others without avoiding such a situation? To solve this problem, we can make some reparation for them when turning others down. By giving reparation when declining others, we can offset the regrets of turning others down. For example, if classmates ask one of them to be their chairman in a session but no one has the inclination to be acting this role, something like the following is quite possibly said:

(3) I’m glad that you say that and it’s really an honor to me. But I have many things to do; perhaps I can’t do this job so well. Maybe you can ask someone else; whom I believe can do a great job, too!

3. Using the elders’ speeches as a shield

People would usually accept the suggestion, advice, or proposal given by the elders. Thus, the way to refuse others by using elders’ words is useful. It is generally persuasive to begin a refusal with what “parents” or “teachers” think or believe is right. We can therefore decline others’ by saying: “My mom says that… “My teachers suggest that…”

For instance, someone, who is invited to a party, is requested to stay longer might say:

(4) My parents say that it’s not safe to go there at night and I have curfew. They tell me that I would be in trouble if I don’t get home before nine o’clock.

Take another situation as example, one of our friends asks us to go shopping after school, but we have lots of homework to do. We can tell him or her:

(5) I’m afraid I can’t because my teacher said that we should get our assignments done by tomorrow.

By appropriately using elders’ speeches as the shield, we can refuse others easily and not put ourselves in an awkward situation.

4. Make good use of the fuzziness of language

In fact, saying "no" to others plainly makes everyone embarrassed. But if we can make good use of the fuzziness of language, we can give a hint to others that we do not want to do what people ask us to. In that way, the one who asks will understand our inner feeling and they would not ask us the same question again. Thus, we can avoid the awkward situation of confronting our interlocutor with the unwanted direct “no” answer. It is also a nice way to refuse others since we do not state our refusal openly.

Suppose that someone asks us out to a party tonight but we really do not want to go, how can we refuse? Something like the following could probably be said:

(5) Mum… I can’t definitely tell you whether I’m free or not tonight. But it seems like I have my own schedule at that time already.

In the same way, if we are asked to lend someone money, but we know that he or she will never give the money back, we can tell them that we are not sure whether we have enough money to lend them, besides; if they want to borrow the money from us, maybe they have to wait at least four weeks. In this way, they would not venture asking money from us.

5. Bringing up doubts

To bring up doubts is another way to decline others. Its advantage is that we can make the asker falls into thinking repeatedly and thoughtfully. For example, if we are asked to go shopping. Our friends say there are things on sale. We do not like going; however, we are baseless to do so. On this occasion, bringing up the doubts could be useful.

(6) -I’m going to the mall this weekend. How about joining me? There is a sale!

- Are you sure it’s cheaper than usual or it’s just a claptrap?

That is not a malicious answer for sure. On the opposite side, we could remind our friends to think twice before making a decision. Bringing up doubts is, therefore, a gracious way to decline others.

6. Ridicule ourselves as a decline

We might hope we could make the turndown occasion more flexible. Then, it is the useful and moderate usage to say no by ridiculing yourself.

If someone asks us to play basketball, deep in our minds, we feel it is quite hot outside. We might ridicule ourselves and say:

(7) Come on! You know I’m a pygmy. How could you play that sport with me? And look at the fatal sun, I’m black enough to become a charcoal, I don’t think it would be a bright choice for me—black pygmy!

Then, both of us might laugh happily. And at the meanwhile, you do refuse the invitation successfully.

Some friends might want to ask us out, but we might feel uncomfortable going out with them. In this case, we could say:

(8) Are you kidding me? I’m a weak jokes teller. I’m afraid that I might ruin the entire joyful atmospheres when all of you have a great time together. So, in my opinion, I think I’d better keep away from this activity.

By taking advantage of this usage, we could make our interlocutors laugh instead of getting disappointed. The situation would be complete in both respects: performing a successful refusal and keeping harmony with others.

7. Using some proverbs

In some cases, using proverbs or famous sayings is an effective way of refusing others. Proverbs can be regarded as the concentrated wisdom of peoples’ history, culture and education and are used for thousands of years so their rationality can be accepted and grasped easily by others. On the other hand, others cannot argue about their validity and will accept them whether willingly or not. For example, if someone asks his friend for money something like the following can be said:

(9) I really want to lend you money but I really don’t have some right now; besides, as the old saying runs, ‘A ready way to lose a friend is to lend him money.’ I don’t want to lose you, my dear. So forgive me.

It is said that when hearing these terms, most people certainly realize what we mean and may give up asking us again. These proverbs may be used to discourage others, so they really have some amazing power. Moreover, because proverbs are expressed by succinct sentences, everyone can understand them without explaining.

From above, the feature of using proverbs to say “no” is that you can make a conclusion in a clean-cut way. Instead of thinking up a great number of reasons and weak excuses, using proverbs can be more understandable and powerful to let others know our intentions. Since the meanings of proverbs can be easily understood, people will not get angry on hearing our refusal.

8. Statement of Principle

This strategy could be used when we want to express our viewpoints that might be the opposite of others. For example:

(10) I don’t believe in dieting.

(11) I‘m not interested in such topics.

By using this strategy we can convince others that these are our principles and there is no chance to change them.

9. White Lie

Sometimes, when we are asked to do something or to go to someplace and we are unwilling to comply; we might think of some other unreal reasons to say no. That is, we will resort to giving white lies, the intention of which is not to negatively deceive others but, on the contrary, we want to make them feel good when refused. For instance, when you are invited to go to the movies after school and, to be honest, you have nothing to do but deep in your mind you really don’t want to go. You might say:

(12) Yes, we would love to, but we have an appointment with the dentist in thirty minutes, so we have to say no.

10. Suggestion of willingness or postponement

One of the viable ways to refuse is to give the reason behind refusing accompanied by a suggestion for reparation in the near future. For example, invited to dinner tonight you are really busy and cannot go so saying something like the following will do:

(13) I really want to go with you, but unfortunately, I have something more important things to do at that time. Maybe next Wednesday we can have dinner together, it will be my treat!

This sounds much more polite than merely saying no since we reserve our interlocutor’s positive face. In other words, when we want to refuse, we cannot merely say no courteously we have to show others our good intention, too.